Can you hear it? A tinkling sound, travelling from a corner of this room into my ears. I remember putting a music box on a table next to my bed two years ago. That was where the music came from. The music was a switch, slowing down the motion of time, smoothing the atmosphere. Spinning in such beauty, a tiny figure of ballerina inside the music box. Her movement was one with the rhythm, and her legs were where small sparkling lights of different colours flew from. The music’s wavelength calmed my mood, toning down the speed of my thoughts.
I opened my eyes. No light was on. No electricity, no running devices. They were all shut down. The room was so dim I could barely read a word on the posters glued onto the walls. The window was open, though. But the sun was hiding behind the thick, dark clouds. Its light hardly broke through. No movement and sound, except the one from the music box.
My bed was unmade. Dirty clothes on the floor. One of the three drawers was open, a couple of books were in it. Disorganized papers on the desk. Drawing tools were everywhere.
Drops of rain have started falling from the sky. The curtains were blown gently by the wind, creating a slow, charming movement. I could smell the scent of wet dirt, and felt my skin swiped by the cool air. My thoughts went along with the air flow, swimming backwards, retracing every step. This air brought pieces of treasures left by wanderers and introduced them to many other people across the globe, touched various items, eroded rocks, and finally entered my room, where I was standing in the middle of it, contemplating.
Signals from the past rang a bell in my head. I remembered tons of memories. I relived them in only minutes, in the form of disjointed flashbacks, and in random orders. The ones important to me were the clearest, the funny ones made me smile, and the sad ones were a reminder of my humanity. I was such an innocent child. I was only a bundle of my parents’ joy and happiness. I was pure and bright. They were my precious memories, my most important possessions. Nothing would replace them.
I’ve felt fear, pain, sadness, loneliness. I’ve longed for love, gentleness, recognition, acceptance, praises. I’ve fought hatreds and obstacles. This world, I’ve touched it. This life, I’ve tasted it. I had scars, I shed tears, all of which I could hardly forget.
The sound of heavy rain brought my thoughts back into my room. I was here, still. Time was in my control. I felt tranquil and static. I was in a complete solitude, away from everything, every dynamic movement, every change.
So calm, so tranquil. I never wanted this to end.
But then I was struck by the sound of an opening door. A guard with a suppressed emotion shown on his eyes stepped into my cell. “It’s time,” he said in a flat tone. I then realized everything. My mind was back into reality. My hands started shaking and sweating. I wanted to cry, but I promised myself to hold my tears. I forced my body to stand up and walked slowly towards the guard. He handcuffed me, and gently gave me a hand signal to step out of my cell, where two other guards were waiting.
My head was empty. I went blank as my feet dragged me along the hallway. I’ve said goodbye to my cellmates, and made peace to myself. I told myself that I was ready, that this was inevitable. But my body wouldn’t stop trembling. My deepest self still didn’t want this to happen.
I didn’t pay any attention. I felt like walking, but I didn’t see where to, and what I passed by along the way. I didn’t try to focus my hearing either. My ears caught sounds and voices, but my brain wouldn’t recognize them. And then suddenly I was on a chair, a wooden chair. Straps were put around my chest, my arms, and my legs. A microphone was held closely in front of my mouth. I was sure the guards asked if I had any last word, but I couldn’t hear his voice.
As I said before, my head was empty. I couldn’t think of a word, especially the ones which could truly represent my feelings and could sum up my entire life. I was silent for a long time. Maybe one, maybe two minutes. But then I decided to say, “I’m sorry for everything.”
And then the guard walked away to put back the microphone onto its place. I couldn’t give a damn about what they were doing behind me, now that the time was ticking. Probably checking the phone if someone out there suddenly changed their mind and decided to stop this procedure. Meanwhile, my eyes caught a bunch of witnesses sitting silently behind a glass wall in front of me. But I didn’t even start to think of what was going on in their minds.
From then on, I went completely blank. Seconds until the electrocution. Seconds until my body tensed up. Seconds until my last touch of life.
I was ready.
But then I felt tranquil, wherever I was, whenever the time was. I said goodbye to my whole life, and all the memories were erased. Everything was neither white nor black. This place was spaceless. The time stopped, and I was nowhere. So calm, so tranquil.
I hope I would rest in peace.